The biggest cosmic joke that I’ve fallen for yet is taking the “path to self discovery”. You got me there Life, good one. I thought it was supposed to be super serious business, finding yourself. I had to go for the ride though, to see how hilariously wrong I was...
When I started out, all I knew was that I needed to find myself. Discover the Real Me, Truest Me, Happiest Me, Freest Me, Best Me. She was out there, and it was my job to go and get her. I couldn’t really prepare for the journey, because I didn’t actually know where I was going. So I set out with supplies I thought I might need – adequate “mind food” of self help books, “maps” of psychology and neurology texts. To nourish me along the way, I found fields of “techniques and exercises” to keep my mind strong. I drank from the stream of meditation. I found shelter under other culture’s philosophies. I went through thick forests of insecurity, blazing deserts of self righteousness, endless fields of doubt. I had no compass, no idea which direction to head, but on I went.
Over time, I began to sense my way through it. I could hear Best Me calling from somewhere in the distance. I heard her say, “you’re getting colder, dear one” when I felt bitterness, anger, resentment, blame. When I felt like I had to protect and defend my heart from others, she lovingly told me, “not this way”. When I would say “it’s them, not me. They need to change,” I could almost hear the smile in her voice as she replied, “I know it looks that way from there, but you’re not here yet.”
I would also hear her softly tell me, “warmer, dear one, you’re getting warmer” when I was feeling love, kindness, compassion, forgiveness. Over time a deep and profound sense of peace began to settle in my bones, and I knew I was almost there. I did not know what I would find, but I knew, up ahead, just around that next bend I would see it, I would see Her.
And suddenly, there I was! The glorious beauty struck me, and then I fell to my knees in fits of laughter. I was standing in front of the exact same house I left. I had been on a make believe journey through my own back yard to find someone who wasn't missing. I had thought it was so real, so serious, so important! “I must find the best version of me!” Silly Rabbit…
The joke has been revealed, and now I rest. That journey is complete. I settle in to the familiarity of my old home with new comfort, and smile as I reflect on all the things I thought I needed to do to be ok with where I always was. A new kind of adventure is about to begin. One without longing or yearning. One without searching for the lesson or trying to understand the meaning, but merely enjoying the ride. I am no longer asking, “where do I go from here?” but instead, “how can I enjoy where I already am more deeply?” The rest will take care of itself.